You would think that online dating allows one to screen out
the ‘crazies’ or ‘creeps,’ for surely somewhere in their profile you would get
the clear sign that perhaps there is something off about the person, or would
you? The structure of many dating websites
allows some of these early warning signs to slide by unnoticed.
OKCupid (OKC),
for example, has a general profile for its users, but they base compatibility
ratios on their users’ answers to questions, not their profiles. OKC does provide each user’s questions, and
answers, for a viewer to peruse, but what happens when the prospect has over
500 Q & As? Do you really have the energy, or time, to read through them all,
just to decide whether or not you should reply to the person’s message? The odds are you don’t. You focus your energy
on their profile, and maybe read the handful of questions OKC suggests. You tell yourself the rest are not so
important that you shouldn’t hold a conversation, or maybe even go for coffee
together. After all, the profile is
where you really get to know the person isn’t it?
No, it’s not, not at all.
Nowadays there are countless how-to articles for profile writing. There are even sites that will write a
person’s profile for them, like lookbetteronline.com
and virtualdatingassistants.com. A person’s profile is likely a carefully
constructed presentation that reflects what they have been told people want to
read, more than who they actually are.
It is the question section, which may asks the same question multiple
ways, that tends to uncover the actual person and their beliefs. At times,
these beliefs may directly conflict with claims made in their profile.
The author of the blog niceguysofokc.tumblr.com illustrated
this time and time again.* He combed OKC profiles, specifically the ones in
which the guys proclaimed they were “nice guys,” and then highlighted some of
the more glaring inconsistencies. Case
after case showed a guy claiming to be a “nice guy” in his profile, then later
answer questions in such a manner that he would seem like anything but, for
example: a guy who claims to be a nice guy posing in pictures with his middle
fingers up; another guy, who in his profile makes it a point to say he would
never ask a girl to do anything she is uncomfortable with, later answers a
question saying that he does believe there are circumstances in which a girl
would be obligated to have sex with him.
Perhaps we should structure online dating websites a bit
more free form, more like the dating videos of the 80s. These guys just put everything out there, for
better or worse!
