the creeps and crazies...

You would think that online dating allows one to screen out the ‘crazies’ or ‘creeps,’ for surely somewhere in their profile you would get the clear sign that perhaps there is something off about the person, or would you?  The structure of many dating websites allows some of these early warning signs to slide by unnoticed. 

OKCupid (OKC), for example, has a general profile for its users, but they base compatibility ratios on their users’ answers to questions, not their profiles.  OKC does provide each user’s questions, and answers, for a viewer to peruse, but what happens when the prospect has over 500 Q & As? Do you really have the energy, or time, to read through them all, just to decide whether or not you should reply to the person’s message?  The odds are you don’t. You focus your energy on their profile, and maybe read the handful of questions OKC suggests.  You tell yourself the rest are not so important that you shouldn’t hold a conversation, or maybe even go for coffee together.  After all, the profile is where you really get to know the person isn’t it?

No, it’s not, not at all.  Nowadays there are countless how-to articles for profile writing.  There are even sites that will write a person’s profile for them, like lookbetteronline.com and virtualdatingassistants.com.  A person’s profile is likely a carefully constructed presentation that reflects what they have been told people want to read, more than who they actually are.  It is the question section, which may asks the same question multiple ways, that tends to uncover the actual person and their beliefs. At times, these beliefs may directly conflict with claims made in their profile.

The author of the blog niceguysofokc.tumblr.com illustrated this time and time again.* He combed OKC profiles, specifically the ones in which the guys proclaimed they were “nice guys,” and then highlighted some of the more glaring inconsistencies.  Case after case showed a guy claiming to be a “nice guy” in his profile, then later answer questions in such a manner that he would seem like anything but, for example: a guy who claims to be a nice guy posing in pictures with his middle fingers up; another guy, who in his profile makes it a point to say he would never ask a girl to do anything she is uncomfortable with, later answers a question saying that he does believe there are circumstances in which a girl would be obligated to have sex with him.

Perhaps we should structure online dating websites a bit more free form, more like the dating videos of the 80s.  These guys just put everything out there, for better or worse!

 *The blog niceguysofokc.tumblr.com appears to have been taken down sometime since it made headlines in December of 2012.  Luckily, some of its greater postings can still be seen in the new articles that covered it, like this Huffington Post Article.

a story...

I am writing a story.

I started it on a whim, on a morning I woke with too much noise in my head. 

I started writing my story as a journal entry, seeking to figure out what I was thinking; what I was feeling; what I wanted.  But the more I wrote, the more I remembered how much I love writing.

After a bit of being lost in my story I found myself wondering why I never finish a piece through to its ending.  I have more journals, and notebooks, full of beginnings of things than I can count. 

I think my problem lies within my mantra, of sorts, that usually sparks the writing...

"I write to quiet the voices in my head, I speak to makes sense of the written."  

Once the voices are quieted,  I move on. I guess I never really thought about seeing one through to its ending, never felt particularly inclined to revisit what I had written.

This time is different.  This time I am taking my story to its ending; if only I could decide where that ending will be.

in sandy's wake...

My city, more than my city, my corner of the world has been rocked by a lady named Sandy.

A boardwalk I walked along thousands of times is partially collapsed along Atlantic City's shore.

My favorite beach town, Long Beach, is submerged as though its streets never existed.

Over a hundred homes, homes I have always passed on my way to Rockaway beach, have burned to the ground.

A 108 year old subway system, that has withstood many a storm, is underwater.  The tunnels that connect our worlds are flooded.

Blackouts, and fallen trees are among the inconveniences felt by many.

Sandy, Hurricane Sandy, has interrupted our comfort zones, and yet, maybe a silver lining can be found.

Strangers are sharing cabs. Samaritans are taking the initiative to help direct traffic at intersections that have lost their lights.  There is a feeling of social connectedness that I have seen and felt but a rare few times before.

Sandy has humbled all those who heard her roars, and all who saw her destruction.

Frustrated as we may be by our own inconveniences, people are simultaneously grateful that their situation is not worse.

You may have no lights, but at least your home is not flooded.  Your home may be flooded, but at least it was not victim of a fire.  Your home may have burned, but at least your loved ones are safe.

For those who lost loved ones, may time ease the pain of your loss.

a day turned around...

So I thought today was going to be one of those Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad, Days.  

Then by 2pm I had done so much laughing my cheeks hurt.

Today's lesson...make sure you surround yourself with people who make you laugh, even about the silliest things!!!

things not to say in a first message...

Dating circa 2012 seems to include at least some dabbles into online.  For those, like me, who are skeptical and don't completely buy into it, this usually means okcupid, pof, and other free ones.

Now I know sending a first message can be stressful and anxiety causing, but, on what planet was this a good idea?

"girl u fine. fine as wine im just tryna give u a lil bit of my time racks all ova ya body "-27yr old male


And this is my cue to re-disable my okc.

some books can only be read when you're ready...

I have always been an avid reader.  I always have at least two books with me on vacations; I sacrifice sleep to finish a book; hell as a kid while "playing outside", I would build a tent out of blankets across the front stoop , create an elaborate interior, then curl up inside my hideaway and read.  I am generally a fast reader, all of the Harry Potter books were completed in two days or less, and I re-read books often.  To me a good book doesn't just tell you a story, it fully immerses you in the world in which it was written so thoroughly that you lose yourself in it, you live the life of the fly on the wall.

For this reason I was completely stumped when as an adult I began encountering books I simply could not get through.  Books that I genuinely wanted to read, had been enjoying in fact, but would find myself reading the same passage over and over with no idea what I had just read.  Eat Pray Love was the first book that did this to me.  I flew through Elizabeth's time in Italy and was eager to read India, and especially to get to Bali, but I just could not make it through India.  I thought if maybe I took a day off, then tried again.  I thought  maybe I was just having an off day, but no, I simply could not make it through Italy.  Every time I tried I would just find myself feeling extremely frustrated, and eventually would have to put the book down and walk away.  The truth is, it was Richard from Texas.

When you're accustomed to losing yourself in books, you take on the emotions of the characters as well.  Their journey becomes your journey, their heartache your own, their frustrations, etc.  Richard from Texas was making Elizabeth look deep within herself, see and explore things about herself she may not like.  Richard from Texas was making me do the same.  The problem was simple, I was not ready to go on the journey of self-discovery and self-exploration Elizabeth was on.  Who was he to make me think about what I had done wrong, what I had or had not brought to the table, in my previous relationships.  Of course, it wasn't until months later, after I had given the book a break and myself some time, that I realized this was the issue.

My second attempt with Eat Pray Love was a breeze, before I knew it I found myself in Bali meeting and falling in love with Felipe. 

Paulo Coelho's The Zahir, is another book that I was unable to get through on first, second, and third attempts.  I would make it half way through, he would meet Mikhail, be on the road to finding his Zahir, then I would get stuck.  It made no sense, what was blocking me?  I love Coelho's books.

I've recently started it again, and have made it beyond the point I always got stuck.  Maybe, when I get to the end, I will understand why I wasn't ready to read it before.

a return to my return...

So apparently my first hiccup in consistent blogging is that every time I come on here, I get distracted by the goldfish on my page.  I get to dashboard, say "well let's see what I wrote last time", then feed the goldfish for so long that I wind up going on to some other task instead of posting.

I think my next hangup is that I over think this whole blog thing way too much. 

I get caught up in wanting the blog to be something, to  stand for something, to raise awareness for a cause or an ideology, or something like that. 

A noble agenda, sure, but the pressure of it seems to result in my writing nothing. 

So instead why not just let the blog go wherever it goes...